Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Christ! Goddammit!

A couple of days ago, the doorbell rang. When I opened the Christ was standing there. Bleeding profusely from his groin. Before I could say anything he screamed in my face: “Where the fuck are my testicles?”
“I don’t know Lord! But if I find them, I might keep them for myself.”, I stammered.
And so it happened that I invited the the greatest lover of the universe inside and gave him some strong Turkish coffee. He moaned and bitched about the state of the world for a while, but that’s ok, I would have done the same thing if they had stolen my testicles.
When finally he went silent for a moment I asked: “Do you have any idea who might have taken your eh.... ehm.....”
“My balls?”, he said between sips, “Yeah.... those goddamn Christians did.”
“Are you sure it wasn’t the muslims?”, I ventured.
“Naaah! Those ididots took my heart and my conscience and put a block of ice in place. Made me out to be some homicidal maniac.”
He looked calmer now. A little puddle of blood was already forming on my floor, and Mickey was happily lapping away at it.
“Lord.......”, I said, already knowing I was gonna regret what I was about to say: “You can have mine.”
He looked at me pensively lifting Mickey into his lap: “Are they big enough? I mean will they enable me to still do my job when absolutely everyone hates me? Will they enable me to still tell my shit when absolutely noone seems to understand? Will they be able to make me the MAN that I was? I dun think so boy.”
Trying to be the bigger man, (which I wasn’t), I decided to let that slip. Mickey grinned at me showing a snout covered with holy blood, and I decided to remain silent.
For another hour or so the Lord bitched about St. Paul not having a clue, the Apocolypse being a practical joke gone haywire, the whole bible and church thing being a big mistake, and his utter astonishment at how people are willing to kill and die for ideologies that are supposed to free a man from ideologies.
When finally he got up and mentioned he had to leave, I was struck by his small stature, the wrinkled desert face and eyes that shone with an unearthly joy.
“Before I leave, do you need me to do a miracle or something? Heal something? I know you want a bigger penis.”
“I do?”, I stammered.
“I have to visit this washerwoman in Peru and infuse her.”, he said walking towards the door. Suddenly he turned around and said sternly: “With the holy spirit boy! And don’t forget I can read your mind.”
I watched him walk away from my house when suddenly I cried out: “Lord! Can I come with you?”
“You already did!”, I heard him shout from a great distance, “See ya later!”


Blogger kris said...

wow...this is amazing! i love how you wrote with humor while bringing up some very good points...i dunno what to say other than i enjoyed reading this and probably will read it a few more times.

8:00 PM  
Anonymous Bernardo B. M. D. Gonçalves said...

Hahaha,very funny.
Thank you for commenting on my text at Laila's blog.
you are just 35, there is still hope to learn how to write like me.


9:47 PM  
Blogger bulb said...

You mean....... I... I could actually learn to write like you?
Oh thank you!! Thank you so much.

10:02 PM  
Blogger bulb said...

Would be even better if I knew what the hell you were talking about.

10:45 PM  
Blogger Le chameau insatiable said...

ok, the problem around the world is that everybody think they know the fucking truth. i even witnessed people yelling at each other in the metro about whether god was this or that. it's getting scary. well, i think what's worse, is that everybody is willing to either die or kill for what they think is the truth (maybe not yet, but it wouldn't take a lot of brainwashing). and myself i'm willing to slap a few individuals for the same exact reason, let me breathe !!!!!!!! i wish they all wanted to commit suicide and let the few of us have a nice quiet beer between sensible people. (with salted peanuts and bretzels, if i may)

3:34 AM  
Blogger bulb said...

And some of those tiny german sausages!!

10:56 AM  
Blogger Sassy said...

Great story Bulb! It made total sense. I'm sure God smiled at that one. I loved how u included Mickey. You should write books! Love ya!

4:29 PM  
Blogger Ms Burden said...

i agree with sassy!!! what are you waiting for publishing a book?

the part that Mickey's entered the story is out of this world!!!!!!!

love your writing...

thanks for the link

6:56 PM  
Blogger angelzeyez_024 said...

Loved it Bulb. It was a truly funny story!!

11:48 PM  

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