Friday, April 15, 2005

Death List

You know how certain things are just part of you and completely normal and conductive to leading a healthy, happy and productive life? Until some stuck-up bitch tells they are evil, crazy and make the baby Jesus cry?
That's what happened to my deathlist.
As far as I can remember, I've always had a deathlist. My father had a deathlist. I know my mother keeps a detailed one with name of the offender, date of offence and details regarding the alleged wrongdoing. (Details ranging from: "Didn't return my greeting.", to "Had orange handbag with red shoes.")
So as you can see, keeping a deathlist, for me, was a normal part of being a responsible adult.
Now for those not in the know, a deathlist is a list, with people who make you want to break out in a song. Like "How do I get you alone.", by Marilyn Manson on crack while cleaning his flamethrower. People that should be careful crossing the street in my neighbourhood. That kind of thing.
Apart from it being a great stress-reliever, a deathlist also helps you get to sleep. There is nothing better to get rid of the stress of the day than to devise new methods of making your list a little shorter. I remember once, using state-of-the-art CAD techniques, devising a contraception, that would allow me to hoist one of my list-buddy's, to the cieling of my appartment. With a simple push on a remote control, the contraception would lower itself, until the crotch of the list-buddy would be in kicking range of my foot. A friendly visit from my steel-tipped boot would send him flying back to the cieling again.
Imagine the sheer joy! Lying on the couch with Mickey, the fireplace burning, an operette playing in the background, a good wine, and some poor motherfucker strapped to the cieling getting the living shit kicked out of him.

Now why am I writing all this down? Because some oversized boulemic bitch told me it was sick to have a deathlist. And that made me sad. And that confused me and that got me thinking.
But that's all over now. She just made the list.

6 Comments:

Blogger Sassy said...

Well I for one think a death list is healthy...if we couldnt have a "list" we'd be in prison for actually doing it, so why not just write the motherfuckers down and think of evil ways to torture them...muahahahahaha

12:14 AM  
Blogger bulb said...

What do you mean .... "not actually doing it"?????

12:16 AM  
Blogger kris said...

hahaha! i keep my "lists" in my head...if i wrote them out it would be to much evidence, and thats if they ever find the bodies...

1:05 AM  
Blogger Le chameau insatiable said...

i don't have a deathlist cause i don't have a good enough memory for that. also, i usually don't give a fuck if someone treats me badly. cause most people don't even deserve my contempt. however, i did enjoy the torture scene, funny as always.

2:27 AM  
Blogger Ms Burden said...

BULB!!! That's just an awesome idea! For real! I have never thought of that. I know who would be the first on my list: my ex-boss!!!!
SUPER... I have started my list today.

6:00 PM  
Blogger Ms Burden said...

This post made me link your blog to mine!!!

10:49 PM  

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