Thursday, May 26, 2005

The ballad of Mohammed Billy Bob

At night in the Arizona desert, on lost Texan highways, if you listen carefully, on the wisp of the dry desert air, you might hear the faint tune of the ballad of Muhammad Billy Bob.

About three decades ago Muhammad Billy Bob ran a Camel ranch in southern Texas together with his father Bubbah Enis Bo, and his brother Jesus. Now Muhammad, missing most of his front teeth, had a little speech impediment and used to call his brother "Isa", and his father "Allah". This caused some confusion among the townsfolk for they knew Bubbah Enis Bo (who was a dirty old man), but had never heard of Allah Enis Bo (Which of course was really frustrating to Muhammad Billy Bob.)
So Billy Bob devoted his life to proving to the townsfolk that Bubbah really existed. (That, and marrying as many of his underage cousins as he could.) It wasn't long before Muhammad was the local village idiot bible thumper. The only problem being that he never quite got the stories right. But that was no biggy for Mo, he just claimed the bible the townspreacher used was corrupt and his version was the only correct one.

Now Muhammad Bob never learned to read or write so well. (He did play a mean guitar though.) So he and his imaginary friend Gabby Wade Otis Bob. (or Gabriel to his friends), used to scribble down stuff that Allah Bubbah Enis Bo had said to them. Gabby was really good at this being the son of a preacherman and all.The problem however was that Muhammad Billy Bob, apart from an insatiable lust for underage cousins, had a very active imagination. So one day when Allah Bubbah Bo asked him to ride into town for a gunrack for the new camel, Muhammad Billy Bob and Gabe Wade Otis instead scribbled a whole surah about how compassionate and angry Allah Bubbah Bob was. As the years went on that became quite the book

The camel ranch was a financial disaster so Allah Bob Enis Bo decided to get some cows. Now Muhammad Billy bob had never seen a cow, let alone worked with one. So Everytime a cow took a dump, Muhammad Billy Bob used to run to it, tear a paper from his collection of Bubbahs sayings and try to wipe his ass. This was quite a sight, and on weekends, townsfolks used to ride their horses to the ranch for an old fashioned barbecue and to watch Muhammad Run the cow. It became known as the "Cow-run", which we now know as the "Cow-Ran"

Now one day Muhammad Billy Bob went a-riding into town on his camel and his eyes fell on long tall Ayesha. She was a sweet 6 year old and Muhammad was smitten at first sight. Of course Muhammad was already married to his first cousin but the folks down in Mecca Texas were broad minded. One traditional shotgun wedding later, they rode off into the sunset on his loyal camel.

The sad part of the story is that Muhammad Billy Bob got so frustrated and angry at all the townsfolks not believing in Allah Enis Bo, that he left Mecca Texas and left for Medina Arizona. From there he and his band of outlaws raided the Meccan Camelfarms and banks. Muhammad Billy Bob became the most famous outlaw in all of Texas. He lived to a ripe old age with his 12 wives (14 among them related to him.) (and 18 of them underage.)

This concludes the ballad of Muhammad Billy Bob. The meanest son of a bitch in the wild west.


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