Friday, May 06, 2005

Skidmarks

The strangest thing just happened to me. I was getting ready for bed. Brushed my teeth; undressed flipped my underwear in the general direction of my laundry basket and jumped on my bed. Just as I was about to turn off the light, I was startled by a voice: "Why did you post that?"
To many people this kind of thing would be terrifying or a sign of insanity. Not to me however. I instinctively knew that I was having another visit from God. So, happily I cried: "Jesus! buddy! Where are you?"
"I am everywhere.", the voice said, "even in the underwear you so carelessly tossed on the floor."
"Oh my God.", I exclaimed as I saw the skidmarks on my underwear moving as if they were lips, "That's just gross.",
"You humans have no sense of humour.", my underwear exclaimed haughtily, "anyway, you did not answer my question. Why did you post that letter to mankind?"
I jumped off the bed, grabbed my underwear and threw it in the laundry basket. "Jesus, I am not going to talk to you unless you take on some form I can actually relate to."
Mutturing obscene profanities I stumbled back to bed. Mickey entered the room, jumped on top of my chest, licked my nose and started purring as if his life depended on it.
"Right Mickey", I said, "you'd never do a gross thing like that."
"Actually I would.", Mickey said, "and you still didn't tell me why you posted that." A man can only take so much before admitting defeat. Let's face it. God has a sick sense of humour, and there is no escaping it. I looked at Mickey / God for some time, softly stroking his head, pondering why I posted what I posted and finally said: "When you came here on earth, you spoke of love, forgiveness and the brotherhood of men. All men. You said we all carried the spark of divinity in us."
Mickey / God slowly nodded his feline head. A gesture that in a perverse way made my cat look like a fucking zenmaster.
"When they asked you to stone the woman, you told them that he who is without sin should throw the first stone. But in islam, there is only the brotherhood of muslims. Every non-muslim is "impure" or "unclean". They say you delight in the stoning and killing of people. That you are a god of war, rape, bloodshed and slavery. They make you out to be some kind of demon. They say that those who do not worship you in their way, should be killed. Their women and children raped and sold as slaves."
Mickey curled his lips in some gross parody of a smile and said: "That still does not answer my question. Why did you post that letter?"
I had to think this one over, so it took me a while before I said: "Cause I'm scared. Statistics show that Europe will be an islamic country before the end of the century. I want my children and grandchildren to live in a society of freedom. The freedom to come to you in whatever form they recognise you in. The freedom to call you by whatever name they fancy. I want them to think in freedom. Speak in freedom. I want them to know you AS freedom."
During my little speech I had failed to notice that Mickey lost interest and was now giving his complete attention to licking his balls.
"Did you know this cat was neutered?", Mickey asked, not really caring to lift his face from his groin.
"Yeah, I know. That happened before he came to live with me. So, God, what are you going to do about it?", I said impatiently.
Mickey once again started concentrating on licking my nose.
"No intention is the will to help others.", Freuds portrait from above my bed suddenly exclaimed.
"Now what the fuck is that supposed to mean?", I asked, trying to stretch my neck in an unnatural angle so as to look at the portrait without disturbing Mickey.
But he was gone. I hate it when he does that. He thinks he's such a wise-ass. Sick! Sick sense of humour. Next time I'll punch him in the face. He knows I want to punch him, so he hides in Mickey.
God is not cool! Which is probably his one redeeming feature.

4 Comments:

Blogger kris said...

ok i love this post, and im reminded not to let mickey lick anywhere near my face, plus jealous that he can lick his privates...lol but yeah anyways. love this post!

12:36 AM  
Blogger Afshin Ellian said...

I like your stories. Nice site!
Bye for now,
Sylvia

1:13 AM  
Blogger bulb said...

Afshin! DUDE! I been reading your stuff for some time. (And I respect and love it.)
Never realised you'd like to call yourself "sylvia". Just call me "Margareth" ok?

10:28 PM  
Blogger Le chameau insatiable said...

let us know what you smoke please... and what's the deal with cats leaking their balls and then their owner's nose ?

3:34 PM  

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