Thursday, June 02, 2005

How to survive "That Time Of Month"

This is a post for guys. As some of you know, through my years of experience with the weaker sex, I've become quite the expert on issues of male survival. Besides, being a very empathic and understanding man, I feel I have learnt to really relate to the irrational and emotional upheaval a woman necessarily goes through once a month.

Understanding the problem
Understanding the emotional hysterics a woman goes through once a month is half the job. As Sun Tzu said, those generals who know themselves and know their enemy have won the battle before it has started. Any man who has ever entered a female dominated outhouse, will understand what I mean. At least five different packs of sanitary towels, neatly arranged by size and at least four packs of tampons, will line the walls as a clear warning signal that the sanity of the woman of the house could snap at any moment and a bloodbath of genocidal proportions is about to ensue. It is not out of a perverse sense of sadism or a sick sense of humor, that women tend to stock their toilets and bathrooms with their bloodsponges. It is rather a cry for help. And I am here to teach you how to give that help.
It is not a woman's choice to go berserk once a month. It is not that a woman consciously decides that it is time to start barking at every man she can, behave like a complete and utter lunatic and in general create a very unpleasant atmosphere for the more logical-thinking specimens of the human race. Rather it is a sick joke the creating Gods played upon the fairest of our species. A jest of cosmic proportions.
Now that we understand the basics and background of the problem let's learn how to deal with it.

Phase I: Preparation
Be sure you have plenty of chocolate and paracetamol stocked in the house. However make a note not to stock it next to your gun-cabinet. (A woman's sense of smell can be greatly enhanced when she's on one of her midnight "where's-the-chocolate" prowls. We don't want her to find anything that might make her do anything that would slightly embarrass her when she returns to her senses.)
The best way to prepare for upcoming PMS, I've found so far, is to calender her menstrual cycle. It may be a a little hassle in the beginning, so be sure to ask your woman to help you out. Hang the PMS-schedule in an obvious place like the living room or toilet, and check it each time you notice a sign of upcoming PMS.

Know the signs of upcoming PMS:
1. She wants to talk.
2. She reacts irritated over minor things like coming home drunk or lipstick on your collar.
3. She refuses to have sex with you.
4. She wants to have sex with you.
5. She has a sudden urge to clean the house.
6. Any form of cramps, pain, tiredness, symptoms of flu, sudden outbreaks of skindisease or bloating.
7. Any suggestion on you improving your behavior. (e.g. "Why don't you ever change your underwear.")
8. Any sign of emotion, like crying, irritation or even simply smiling can point to an upcoming murderous PMS attack.
9. Any aberration whatsoever in her behavior can and will be interpreted as a sign of upcoming PMS.

Phase II: Survival


Phase III: the Aftermath

When finally those days of utter horror and sheer hell are over. It is up to us, men, to pick up the pieces and try to mend our wounded lives. However, like a great man once said: Crisis means opportunity. Being the great guys that we are, we should seize this chance to improve our relationship by having one of those wonderful conversations about "our relationship", that women are always so keen on having.
The best way to prepare for this kind of conversation is to make a small list of all the insane things your woman did to you and herself during her period of mental instability. A typical list would look something like this:
1. You wanted to talk and made me miss a great footballmatch on television.
2. You asked me to take a shower at least seven times this weekend.
3. I had my drinkingbuddies over for pokernight and you behaved like a bitch, making me ashamed.
4. You were in bed with cramps and I had to do the dishes and cook. You aren't pulling your weight around the house anymore like you used to.

Now sit down with your woman, make her feel comfortable, and confront her with her behavior. Just read from the list and give her a chance to explain herself. When she is finished, (This may take some time.), stare at her and after an uncomfortable silence quietly say: "You hurt me!"
This will launch your woman in another rant that may seem to go on forever, but bear with her. Really try to pretend you are listening and that you are interested in her silly excuses. The best way to do this is by repeating the last word of every sentence she makes and make it sound like a question. Once again when she is finished look her square in the eyes, count to five to be sure that the silence is making her feel really uncomfortable and say with a concerned expression: "But..... You hurt me!"
It is not uncommon for women to give up at this point and walk away in anger. This is a clear sign that the PMS is not over yet. Follow your woman asking in a friendly voice whether she is still suffering from it, and confront her with the obvious fact that she is always the one that wants to talk.

I hope this little pearl of wisdom will improve your understanding of the inferior sex. I hope it may even improve your relationship a little. Trust me on this. It works. You can ask any of my many ex-lovers.


Blogger kris said...

BRAVO!!!! ok i like this post the absolute best! i was laughing so much, im still laughing. bulb, wow...bravo once again!

9:48 PM  
Blogger bulb said...

mmmmm krissy ..... a sign of irrational emotion there.....

10:08 PM  
Blogger Sassy said...

You better hide, Bulb! It is my time of the month and I'm not afraid to use it! *cries* cuz I miss u so much :x

1:32 AM  
Blogger kris said...

irrational? IRRATIONAL?!!! how the fuck do you come off with irrational?!... lol ok i cant stop laughing... im kidding... maybe... loads shotgun...

8:35 AM  
Anonymous Faith said...

ROFL!!! hehehe i love it! oh my thats funny..OF course i would never make anyone miss any type of sporting event, i would be right there with him , screaming my lungs out and yelling at the refs..:D

Faith,the Sue Slayer

Noro go hûl, bado go Eru

run with the wind go with God

6:39 PM  
Blogger Ms Burden said...

Very useful and informative - I will forward to everybody I know!

1:20 AM  
Blogger Gadfly said...

the fuck is "paracetemol"?

5:11 PM  

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