Friday, June 10, 2005

Mommy, I aint gay!

Mother likes to snoop. She's fond of going through my kitchen cabinets, my administration and my wardrobe. This brutal invasion of my privacy has already backfired on her several times during my lifetime.
I can remember her giving me the "female exploitation" talk when she found my first playboy magazine. My dad was sitting in the background reading the newspaper, occasionally proudly smiling at me. That day I learned that Playboy was "OK" and my parents sexlife probably wasn't.
When I was 18 or so, I moved to Amsterdam. My mother, (who hadn't seen me in two years, me being abroad and all), took it upon herself to come over and clean my room once a month. Invariably, after she'd left, I'd find a small stack of playboys with a little note that just said: "dirty". From this I learned that my mother was sexually frustrated and my father secretly stole my magazines. (I never did figure out where he hid them.)
I'm a grown man now and rapidly approaching the dreaded middle-age. My mother still likes to snoop. Recently, during one of her bi-monthly visits, she stumbled upon my ex-girlfriends toy collection. Her face turned red, then purple, then green, but she never said a word. I can only guess what went through her mind, but in hindsight I believe that she now thinks I have an anal fixation in a way that not even Freud could have fathomed possible. (For as any "good girl" knows.... women only use those toys because evil men want them to.)
The latest disaster happened quite recently. I was cleaning out my closets, (after my break-up with A.), and my bed was strewn with g-strings, corsets and bra's. The doorbell rang and I hastened to open. Hooray! Another unannounced visit from the prude brigade. As I was busy in the kitchen making her coffee, she strayed into my bedroom. (Why does she always do that?) I found her pale and obviously in shock. As I handed her her coffee, like any good son would do I tried to explain: "R. it's not what you think."
"No, it's your life, it's okay.", she said, carefully avoiding eye-contact and making her way back to the living room.
"Mommy......... Mom..... it just makes me feel more secure to wear those."
I expected her to laugh. She didn't. She never got the joke.
I hate to think what I'll be getting for my next birthday.


Blogger prairie biker said...

some nice silk stockings if you're lucky

12:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, nice blog. Maybe you should visit mine.

12:56 PM  
Blogger bulb said...

Dear Anonymous,

There is a certain minimum intelligence requirement for visiting my blog. And you don't seem to qualify.

12:13 AM  
Blogger Ms Burden said...

Anonymous visits... so uncomfortable!

Sad and embarassing situation, Bulb!

Oh well! Don't forget that women trust a lot in gays!!! You should take some advantage of this!!!!!!!!

2:13 AM  
Blogger En said...

Ho ho ho, very funny.

4:14 AM  
Blogger Le chameau insatiable said...

it's hilarious !! i'm thankful, both my parents never ever snooped on my private life since the age of 16. something to do with mutual respect i guess and trust too maybe. but other people's invading moms crack me up

7:11 PM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

Oh Bulb, you rotten sod!
Your poor mum, brought up to fear a bit of fun, and now she is being noble and tearing herself to shreds because she thinks her son is a tranny AND ITS ALL YOUR FAULT????
Ooh if I could reach, I'd slap you with a kipper.


2:30 PM  
Blogger Rosie (formerly known as Rox) said...

Sorry, dear heart. I've thanked you many times for your help with my blog. Unfortunately, I don't seem to exist when I send you messages nowdays. So thanks again. What happened to MY chatbox? Oh well, I still love ya.
By the way, you're the only person who isn't getting my messages. Be sure to read my blog for today, Wednesday, June 15. See ya.

4:37 PM  
Blogger Sassy said...

*strays into your bedroom*

*puts giant dildo where your mom can find it*

*runs like hell*

3:05 AM  
Blogger kris said...

haha bulb, hey i need more for my collection...throwing that stuff out?! as for mother, um, maybe she wont snoop as much now:P

1:35 AM  
Blogger fineartist said...

Oh man the anonymous must be one of the prettiest crayons in the box, rather than, say, one of the sharpest or brightest. Great comeback btw.

You could have told her they belonged to P.Turk…she probably wouldn’t have believed you, but still…

11:57 AM  

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