Tuesday, July 26, 2005

How to increase your blog traffic

It seems bloggers for the most part are spending more time increasing their blog traffic, then on writing quality articles. It's a bitch when you spend so much time crafting a witty post, and nobody reads it. Completely frustrated at my lack of readers, I set off on a quest to uncover the secrets of the holy statcounter. This resulted in five holy laws that must be followed by every blogger, which will result in their blog traffic exploding exponentially. (Promise!)

1. Write crap!
I don't mean "write stuff"; I don't mean "write often". I mean write utter crap. Write the kind of crap that you know nobody wants to read. It works! For instance I plucked this little gem of a random blog:
"I was like riding my bike this Sunday, and there was this like really cool chick. And I rided into her and we laughed and laughed and laughed. So like, I think I have a girlfriend now."
14 Comments, and a statcounter over 25000. The motherfucker who wrote this got 14 comments!!!
Take a look around. Bloggers that write utter crap get visitors. I have a little theory about it. Remember that TV show "Big Brother". (It was the Netherlands main export product for a couple of years.) 20 Motherfuckers sitting around doing shit! Talking about crap and generally boring the audience to tears. It was the most successful show in television history.

2. Be a babe
Research has shown that nearly 50% of all people are male. Consequently nearly 50% of all bloggers must be male. And what does the male of the species like to see? Right! Babes. When you post a comment on blogger, your picture is often put beside it. Now, let's do a little test. Below are three pictures of random bloggers who all commented on the same post. I, being a guy and all, am going to click on at least one of those pictures to visit the blog in question. Guess which motherfucker is going to loose out?

Two of these babes write poetry and put pictures of sunsets on their blog. Knowing that, which of these three are you not going to click on guys? I rest my case.

3. Write more crap
It's not enough that you write utter crap. You have to write it in bulk. No matter if you have nothing to write. The more literary vomit covers your blog, the more people will want to read it.

4. Suck up!
I know from personal experience that licking boots and kissing ass can get you pretty far in life. And vice-versa, people who kiss my ass, tend to get my attention. So what you are going to do is this. You pick out a blog that gets thousands of visitors a day. Pick out one of the articles, don't bother reading it, (considering the visitor count it's probably crap anyway), and post the following comment:
"Oh my Gaaaaawd you are soooooo funny. You are the funniest!! You are soooooo ..... you know.... I'd sleep with you!"
Put a link to the site on your blog, and start coming back everyday repeating the same message, but alter it slightly. After a while, the punk with the successful blog will feel obliged to link back to your blog. More links, more visitors. Mission accomplished.
(Hell! It worked for me! Look at my linklist.)

5. Cheat!
Anybody who has been blogging for a while knows that most bloggers are generally too stupid to wipe their own ass. There's a legion of blogreaders out there that on stumbling on a new blog, first check out the visitor counter. Based on that number, they will either be impressed and mutter: "Dayum this blog is good." or with the greatest amount of exertion their minds will try to connect the dots between "Nobody reads this." and "unread blogs are crap."
Most visitor counters have the option of editing the number of visitors. Use it! Boost those stats and watch the braindead morons coming in.

In closing:
Tom Cruise is nuts.


Blogger Lone Ranger said...

You missed an important one: Pick a topic likely to be googled. I really don't care if anyone reads my blog and usually get about 20 hits a day. But on one day I got 450! I tracked them back and found they had all been googling "Tom Cruise is nuts."

2:37 PM  
Blogger bulb said...

Hey Ranger,
I edited it into the post. I got one for you: Write articles about sex, and the occasional article about your mother.
Most of my hits come from search terms involving various synonyms for "mother" coupled to various four-letter words describing adult activities and body parts.

2:41 PM  
Blogger prairie biker said...

There's also this to consider:

Who the fuck really cares what's going on in Holland anyway?

Number 6: Be an American Blogger!!!!

8:07 PM  
Blogger Sassy said...

Bulb, let's have sex!

8:37 PM  
Blogger Ms Burden said...

Gustave Flaubert, proleptic critic of blog culture wrote once:

"In fact, there is nothing more pernicious than being able to say everything and having a convenient outlet. You become very indulgent with yourself; and your friends are the same with you, in order that you may be so with them" (Letter to Louise Colet, 31 March 1853). Some dudes do have the vision!!!

LOVE YOU BULB... I didn't know I was your babe - and so let it be!!!

9:20 PM  
Blogger kris said...

and this is the part where i say....bulb you need to get out more, but write about it! cause some of us dont have interesting lives...sobs

11:51 PM  
Blogger fineartist said...

I gathered from a post that I left in Kris's blog that you don't really care for long winded comments, being the wind bag that I am I'll try to be brief. You can always choose to delete if you feel the need.

Your blog is insanely funny, but you KNOW that. I happened on your blog via a search, yours and Cheryls. Your blog is stated to be THE number one blog, and after reading it I can see why, it speaks for itself, but I am not posting in order to suck your butt.

Your number one, write crap, I disagree, if it's crap I wont read it for long.

Number two, be a babe, ya, that's probably way too true.

Number three, see above.

Number four, suck up, ya, we tend to like those who like us back. I have BTW read most of your blog word for word, but was intimedated by your comment aimed at me in Kris's blog so I declined to comment. That and the fact that I didn't want to comment as a means of whoring visiters to my blog.

Number five, I wouldn't even begin to know how to change a visitor count, and some of the least read blogs that I have stumbled on are my favorite.


12:31 AM  
Blogger CiscoKid said...

I don't pay much attention to visitors, other than the ones that become "regulars" and then link your page to theirs etc. All the statistics can be tweaked, so they really are not good numbers to go by.
I believe that if you have something that you want to say, there will be people who will read and either agree with you or not. Those who don't will tell you to just Fuck off, However, they still count as a "comment"..
In the meantime, as long as you have something to say (AND YOU DO IN A VERY INTERESTING WAY) Keep Bloging and we'll keep reading.
Strange isn't it?

3:08 AM  
Blogger airforcewife said...

I have to write crap? I mean, I'm kind of already doing that, right? I sunk to the level of Gwen Stefani and Blondie!


4:27 AM  
Blogger jomama said...

But, what if I don't want "brain-
dead morons on my blog?

4:56 AM  
Anonymous aNNabaNAna said...

writing crap could get more hits?? umm, no wonder i got like 10 comments last time because i wrote about a "spaghetti song", ha!!

be a babe to get hits?? well my friends has been blogging for years and has this "hot big-boobs blonde" pic on his profile, which has helped him to get loads of freaky and "juicy" hits. in case you have not noticed yet, that is a HE who is the "hot blonde".

8:59 AM  
Blogger prairie biker said...

You Toad!!!! I just found your link!


Anything for hits I tells ya, ANYTHING!

9:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Out of all that, all I can really focus on is that you stated Tom Cruise is nuts. I agree.

9:46 PM  
Blogger doris said...

I find that I enjoy whoring myself across the blogosphere. Great post Bulb and I sure would enjoy doing wild stuff to your naked bod... and I discovered that my handle has attributed to more than a few search engine visitors in search of "gran sex" !!!!

2:07 PM  

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