Friday, July 29, 2005

On being a prophet


As some of you might know, I'm an ardent believer in reincarnation. When Guru Jaghjit explained that most of my problems were related to problematic encounters in my past life, I was sold. I have been in reincarnation group therapy now for the last few years. With the help of hypnosis, rebirthing and a large variety of adult toys, I have been able to determine that in my last life, I was.....

An Arab.

In itself, the inherent problem of having been an Arab is not insurmountable. However I will try to shed some light on my current predicament, by sharing with you one of my recovered memories.

The year is 700 AD. It had been a hot day. As I was wont to do, I escaped the noisy crowds of Mocca-city, by retiring to my mountain cave, to meditate, smoke crack and play with my unmentionables. (Even in that life, I had a hard time finding a woman to do that for me.)
Just as I was about to roll my second joint, the cave was flooded with a bright light and a booming voice said: "I am the angel Gabriel. I have come unto you to give you a new religion.."
Trying to shield my eyes from the light I angrily shouted: "Sod off and get yar own cave motherfucker."
With just the slightest hint of irritation the voice boomed at me: "You have been chosen as the last prophet of Baall-ah. You will receive a book and spread it amongst your people. For this you will receive 72 virgins in heaven. There will be bright eyed young boys to fulfill your every wish and there will be streams of wine."
It took me a while to grasp the gravity of the situation, but after a moment I managed to regain my composure: "So, what you're proposing is this: You give me some kind of book that I have to go door to door with like a fucking Jehova's Witness, and in return I get to have sex?"
"That is correct!", the voice said, at a level of decibels that would make your standard streetrave boombox get penis-envy.
It took my all of three milliseconds to decide: "Sounds good!"
My head suddenly felt clear, the dope-induced mist parted: "Okay. Dim the light, stop screaming, and let's work out the details."
The bright light receded further back into the cave and I was left facing a little balding midget dressed in a white gown.
"You don't really look that impressive for an arch-angel", I said.
"Yeah I know. I get that a lot.", the midget replied in an irritating squeaky voice, "I used to be an accountant before I got into this archangel thing." The midget produced a book from one of his bodily recesses covered by his gown.
"Wait!", I said, "what was that about bright-eyed young boys? I'm not really into that you know."
The midget eyed me with a quizzical expression: "My information is wrong then."
"Yeah! And what's that shit about rivers of wine? I drink beer."
"I think that could be arranged.", the midget said and started punching a number on his mobile phone.
"And what's with the 72 virgins? I did all that shit during puberty."
"What do you mean?", the midget asked looking at me in abject horror.
"Virgins! I ain't no pervert you know. I'm a grown man. What the fuck am I going to talk to 72 virgins about? Their evening in the disco? Give me one woman. A good one. Nice set of tits. Voluptuous body. Decent brain, sense of humor, a smile that makes my heart jump. You know...... the works. And make her a little assertive. I like that in a woman."
The midget was now looking at me with his mouth wide open. The mobile phone slipped from his hands and fell on the floor. All color had disappeared from his face and I was afraid he was about to faint.
"Ass.... ass..... assertive woman?", he stammered? The concept seemed to alien for him to understand.
"Yeah! And I want a career woman! Not some sit-at-home smoke pot and drink sherry bitch."
The midget grasped his head with one hand, held out his other hand in a gesture for me to be silent: "Wait.... basics.... basics.... are you .... Mo the goatherd?"
"Mo the goatfucker? No he's in the next cave with his favorite goat. I'm ......"
The midget was gone. The bright light was gone. My ears rang with the sound of permanent hearing impairment. Had it all been a dream? Had it been my crazy imagination? I never found out.

13 Comments:

Blogger prairie biker said...

Damn, I had you confused with Mo also.

12:25 AM  
Blogger A-Ron said...

People say that I kind of look like Mohammad.

In fact, every now and then someone comes up to me and offers to blow stuff up in my name. It's embarrassing, let me tell you.

3:55 AM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

Hi Bulb.
The questions you volunteered for are up on my blog. That was really hard! Hope they're ok :-)

11:01 AM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

Um does this mean that women only make it to heaven if they stay virgins, or are we on this earth for men and as temporal as a pot plant?
Do Muslim women get a heaven where men have to do as they're told?

1:02 PM  
Blogger bulb said...

Actually Cheryl, in islam a virgin woman automatically goes to heaven when she dies. That is why for instance in Iran, the standard practice is that the revolutionary guards rape convicted women before executing them.
Whereas a man gets the company of 72 virgins, a woman will have to do with her good ole hubby and share him with the 72 preteen beauties.

1:14 PM  
Blogger jomama said...

You are a funny dude.

And I got a woman just as you
decribed.

She wasn't a virgin but I'm in heaven.

2:35 PM  
Blogger Jess said...

Always a case of mistaken identity with you isn't? If you had only just said "yeah, that's me!" Your life could be different. Dammit all to hell!!!

3:08 PM  
Blogger Ms Burden said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:19 AM  
Blogger Ms Burden said...

A mystical guru once told me that in my past life I was a small hop plant thriven on moist, on a rich soil with a pH around seven found in the valleys of a distant land. From my last hipnosis session I recalled that I was harvested then and turned into homebrewed beer -> What an appealing way of being assassinated!!!

I don't know whether I can say I believe in reincarnation, however I do believe in this saying: "From dust you came, and to dust you shall return"

12:23 AM  
Blogger Rosie (formerly known as Rox) said...

How many death threats did you get for this one? So far? I had to leave Islam because my Muslim name was Fatty ma, can't have that now can we?

12:55 AM  
Blogger bulb said...

Laila,

If you're trying to seduce me.... It's working.

12:05 PM  
Blogger Sassy said...

I'm gonna be number 73 virgin in heaven. All of u believe me, dont u?!

6:05 PM  
Blogger prairie biker said...

Sassy, just wander across the border to the west and we'll make sure you there's nothing left for those nasty Mohammedists

2:46 AM  

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