Wednesday, July 27, 2005

On improving my lovelife

I'm a nice guy. I'm handsome, intelligent, well-educated and well-mannered. Still, I couldn't get laid if I shaved my ass and stuck a lollipop in it.
It's not that I don't know how to handle women or how to talk to them. I know that full well. But it just always seems to come out wrong.

Example: I'm sitting on my couch with a girl who could have been my daughter. There are candles burning, Diana Krall is crying us a river in the background, I served her a classy meal, and she's well on her way of getting drunk. She's babbling away about her shitty little problems that nobody will listen to unless she sleeps with them. Suddenly there is a silence and she looks at me with large innocent eyes. I lean in preparing to say something that will make her blush and stutter; She smiles expectantly and I say: "It's not gonna suck itself bitch."

First of all she did blush and she did stutter. Second, that's entirely not what I meant to say! And what was her problem anyway? It wasn't as if the evening wasn't heading for that anyway. Women just have no idea how difficult it is to be a guy. You can't just say what you feel or think. You have to carefully word it and then spout some Hollywood cliche.
In my ever ongoing quest to improve my lovelife, I have made a little list of often-used phrases and the things I mean when I say them. I plan to hand it over to any woman I date. If this works, I might just be getting some soon.

"After I do you, I'm gonna do your sister too."
"I love you so much, I want to meet your whole family."

"Geeez look at the size of your melons."
"Hi, I'm Bulb. What's your name?"

"Still here?"
"I had a wonderful time last night. Hope I can see you again soon."

"Listen. You're body is incredibly fuckable, but you're just too stupid for words."
"You know, I've always thought that the sign of a good relationship is communicating without using words."

"You so ugly, I wouldn't fuck you if you put a bag over your head."
"Strange isn't it? My attraction to you is entirely spiritual. It is as if we have a mystic bond."

"What the fuck do you mean: I'm not that kind of girl."
"You just make me respect you more and more and more."

"You swallow?"
"I just want to know everything there is to know about you. You are so mysterious."


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just don't understand why you are still single..The world may never know...

9:42 PM  
Blogger kris said...

lmao bulb, i bet youve mastered the duck and fetal to all the violent responses to your rather interesting statements.

11:27 PM  
Blogger CiscoKid said...

Keep Going, still taking notes here.......
What was that last part?......

2:46 AM  
Blogger prairie biker said...

How about:

"I love looking into your eyes....

...but I'd rather see the back/top of your head."

4:13 AM  
Blogger The Conservative UAW Guy said...

I am so dead if my wife knows I thought any of these!

4:48 AM  
Blogger Ms Burden said...

Oh My GoD! Mary Holy Mother of Jesus! For Christ's Sake! Save me Lord from THE depths of this hell hole called 'MASCULINE UNIVERSE'! HEHEHE

4:52 AM  
Blogger fineartist said...

I loathe overgeneralizations, but …

Men, fake intimacy to achieve SEX.
Women, have sex to achieve INTIMACY.

Both score for different reasons.

7:15 AM  
Blogger fineartist said...

Not that women don’t crave sex as much as men do…it is more a matter of priorities…which is more important, loving the person, or loving the body that houses the person? Both.

7:22 AM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

Yeah yeah sure sure!
I know - tell her you suffer from sexual tourettes and need looking after. Preferably write it down.

8:38 AM  
Blogger bulb said...


You never had a real quality shag did you?

3:35 PM  
Blogger bulb said...


On second thought. People sometimes tell a lot about themselves by the comments they give. Woman my heart cries out for you. Why the hell do you choose assholes for mates! There are MEN out there you know.


Good plan. Remind me to stick a post-it with that on the top of your head. (sorry..... well... I've got sexual tourettes you know.)

5:08 PM  
Blogger The Conservative UAW Guy said...

Thanks for your comment.
That was funny as heck!!!

5:55 PM  
Blogger DanGuy said...

I can't wait till I get laid.

2:02 AM  
Blogger fineartist said...

@ bulb,
My answer to your first question, of COURSE I have, ur, um, at least I think I have, as I have not a lot to compare...
I was merely reflecting on the comments that YOU made in your post, they seemed to indicate that there was some truth to my first statement. I was over generalizing, I should have said, some men….some women…. Of course I am NOT one of THOSE women, and neither is my man one of THOSE men. Certainly not, never, no way.

3:50 AM  
Blogger Sassy said...

Sassy <~~~~ doesnt swallow

4:33 AM  
Anonymous aNNabaNAna said...

you got quite a good knowledge of what to (and not to) say to women!!

my advice to my guy friends and you - "let your head speak faster than your dick next time!!"

9:56 AM  
Blogger Star said...

How many times a week can you actually do it by the way??*ROTFLMAO*

7:46 PM  
Blogger bulb said...

Do what?

8:52 PM  
Blogger Niccio Dartsmouth said...

ROFL!!! i remember some of those phrases from when i was younger and single. kinda had a few flashbacks :) thanks for the laugh, loved your blog. feel free to drop by mine.

9:41 PM  
Blogger Bobby said...

Absolutely hilarious! I met a guy like you once, and all I could do was laugh, while he was lying there in his bed, his pecker prematurely flopped over the top of his pants... Yes, you remind me of Floppy Dick Boy. Too funny, and much appreciated.

6:49 PM  

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