Wednesday, December 14, 2005

The joy of Emasculation

Main Entry: emas·cu·late
Pronunciation: i-'mas-ky&-"lAt
Function: transitive verb
Inflected Form(s): -lat·ed; -lat·ing
Etymology: Latin emasculatus, past participle of emasculare, from e- + masculus male -- more at MALE
1 : to deprive of strength, vigor, or spirit : WEAKEN
2 : to deprive of virility or procreative power : CASTRATE
3 : to remove the androecium of (a flower) in the process of artificial cross-pollination
4 : to screw with the Bulbs head by asking him to list ten guys he'd sleep with : FUCK YOU



Imagine waking up next to a beautiful young lady. Through a haze of alcohol, the only thing you can remember is her sighing: "Thank you!", just before collapsing from sheer exhaustion. You open your eyes, she opens her mouth and the usual stream of feminine morning-after bullshit comes out. However this time it's different.
Shocked you jump upright in bed covering your ultimate electric organ with both hands: "Did you just ask me to name ten guys I would sleep with?"
She smiles at you with coquettishly played surprise: "Yes, so? Or not, that is if your masculinity is in jeopardy."
WAKE UP! RUN! This is the sign of the coming apocalypse. This bitch is after your BALLS!

A couple of bloggers of the feminine variety, have been confronting me with the dark repressed side of their sexuality by asking me to write about the guys I'd sleep with. Penis envy sucks! I can only imagine the frustration of those who were unfortunate enough to be born without the giant photon cannon. The utter despair about having to sit down when you take a leak. Looking in the mirror and instead of a flaccid weapon of mass destruction smiling back at you, the only thing you can see is a small patch of burnt grass. Leaking gallons of blood every month.

Yes ladies, eat your fucking heart out. You want it, I got it. The Torpedo of Doom, The Bald Avenger, the Tintillating Tentacle, The Pendulum of Pain. The Sugar coated trouser Snake. The Monolith of Mass Destruction, the Ferocious Flamethrower, The Faucet of Fun, The Key to Paradise, Marathon Man, Captain Caveman, the Javelin of Joy, Minime, The Hungry Hulk, The Yoghurt Machine, El Presidente, Harry and the Hendersons, The Hairy Harbinger of Doom, The Gardenhose of Plenty, The Wand of Wildness, He-Who-must-Be-Obeyed, The Throbbing Nightstick, The One-Eyed Giant, The Satin Sledgehammer, The Impregnator, The Turbomatic Pussycleaner.
It's here. It's mine. And you aint getting any!

On the night of june 23, 1993, Lorena Bobbit cut of her husbands sexual organ as he lay sleeping. She then drove off with the severed appendage and flung it out her car window. Police performed a diligent search and located it, and it was then surgically reattached, in a 9 1/2 hour operation. In 1994, a jury found this elegant lady innocent, by reason of insanity, of de-putzing her estranged husband John.
I'm sorry ladies, that shit aint gonna happen to me. I sleep on my stomach, family jewels in hand and I've got a trained attack cat that's very protective of my toys.

20 Comments:

Blogger Jess said...

Ummm...eeewwww!!

6:52 AM  
Blogger bulb said...

Okay! That's it! Jessy won't be getting any!

8:29 AM  
Blogger kris said...

LMMFAO! hold on a moment im still laughing. "pauses" ok now where were we? oh yeah, that "burnt patch of grass that leaks gallons of blood each month" still drives you wild, explain that!...waits for response...thats what i though :P. oh and the thing about sleeping on your tummy with your ass exposed makes me wonder how experimental you are...hmm? kidding missed your posts. keep um up and ill possibly try and update mine.

11:57 PM  
Blogger Rain said...

I'm laughing at that tirade. I thought better of it afterwards because it would be like asking me to list 10 women I'd sleep with.

2:30 AM  
Blogger bulb said...

mmmmm Kris might be getting some though.

2:55 AM  
Blogger prairie biker said...

Rain- we don't want you to list them. We want pictures.

5:51 AM  
Blogger fineartist said...

GIANT PHANTOM CANNON? Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I could ask, So, you sleep on your belly, playing with your toys all night? But that would be Presumptuous.

I would say something about it sounding like you are assuming some kind of invitational posturing, sleeping on your belly as you do…but that would be cheap on my part, so I wont.

Or I could say, I’m sure you have heard by now that it is NOT the penis we wish to wag around but to share in the power, yes? But that would redundant.

I will say you are sounding a little bit paranoid. Loosen up dude, we don’t want to fling YOUR penis out the window….

Thanks for the link, now all of the males in cyber space will recognize me for the emasculating fe that I am. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

5:52 AM  
Blogger fineartist said...

I know, I know, I'm NOT getting....

5:55 AM  
Blogger bulb said...

Damn right Artist! and neither is the prairy biker guy!

10:03 AM  
Blogger Rain said...

I just realized that you linked me as Lorena Bobbit. Uh!
There are no sharp objects in my pink kitchen!

12:42 PM  
Blogger bulb said...

Nice try rain. You still aint getting any!

5:21 PM  
Blogger Rain said...

Humph! Men....

8:06 PM  
Anonymous Laila said...

Sorry Bulb,
I didn't get the origin of the fuss?
Regardless, what you said about women always caught my attention. How can someone bleed for a week and does not die!!!! Really weird!!!!

10:16 PM  
Blogger bulb said...

Copious amounts of chocolate Laila.

6:19 AM  
Blogger Sassy said...

Well, I want some, but I probably wont get any after saying...GO LORENA BOBBIT!

I'd sure give u some though, Bulb *wink*

7:28 AM  
Blogger Rain said...

You have solved the mystery of chocolate.

I know, I know...

7:57 PM  
Blogger fineartist said...

Rain, you still aint gettin any...heeeeeeeeeee

9:21 AM  
Blogger CiscoKid said...

So many names....
You ought to hear them in Spanish slang!

2:20 AM  
Anonymous chippie said...

Welcome back Bulb nice post

3:46 PM  
Blogger Rain said...

Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays, Bulb

5:35 PM  

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