Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Single again

It's official. I'm single again. It took me about six months to realize it. Admittedly, the young woman in question, was not very clear on the subject. But there you are, thirtysix years old, and single.
Believe me, it's great being single. You can do all these fun single things that singles always seem to be doing. I immediately took a subscription to "single magazine", (I'm not making this up.), and dived into the life of the 30 something overweight single. Reading the magazine convinced me even more that being single is great. It's a magazine filled with hundreds of singles whose main purpose in life seems to be convincing everyone how great it is to be single. The shiny cover of the magazine screams: " Single Magazine is a glossy lifestyle magazine for the self-conscious single." Deep in my heart, I feel that "lifestyle" is the epitome of evil, but disregarding that, who can resist such a salespitch.
After reading for half an hour or so, I really felt disheartened. How come I seem to be the only single in the world that doesn't have sex five times a week? How come I don't go skydiving, crocodile wrestling, "clubbing" (whatever the hell that is), or feel that my life is so much more complete now that I don't have to respect someone else's feelings? How come all those singles seem to be living happy and fulfilled lives, that the cast of "friends" would even be jealous of? And then it struck me. It was just one sentence. "Contemporary singles, follow the latest trends, have an abundance of energy, and are hip (?) to the latest technological developments." It took me a while to catch the drift of that statement. But it seems, I'm not a contemporary single, I'm an old fashioned single. I do not follow the latest trends. In fact I mostly hate the latest trends, and wouldn't stick my dick up anyone who didn't. I do not have an abundance of energy. The only time I seem to have that, is either when I'm cooking, or when I'm in love, which happened only two times this live.As far as the latest technological developments go, I still believe the real thing is a shitload better than cybersex. And yes people, believe it or not, I'm not hip (?) to anything.
I have to face it. I'm a dinosaur. I'm the last of a species, the oldfashioned angry frustrated and fucked-up single. Being single would be great though, if only I had an on/off switch on my testicles. But those nasty little spermproducers, seem to get more active with every "single" passing day. It's not the sperm! (I got an overactive right hand as it is.) It's those pesky little male hormones, thirsting, nay questing, for quenching themselves in pure femininity.
And it's all the fault of my ex! She spoiled me. Not only was she sweet, the greatest lover in the world and sexy as hell, she was the only woman who could wake me up in the middle of the night for another argument on Plato and Plotinus versus Epicurus. (Me siding with the Epicurians cause I knew that would be the only philosophy the soil of her soul would allow to germinate.) (And it's not like I'm an expert on Greek philosophy, it's just that everytime I think of her, I seem to be able to recite the full works of Plotinus by heart.)
Now how the fuck am I going to find another woman like that? Do I even want another woman? There is a woman I like. She's married. There is another woman I like. She's also married. See my dilemma? I could probably fuck them. Go home spent, and try to sleep cuddling Mickey, knowing full well she'd be in someone else's arms. Let's face it. Being an old-fashioned frustrated single stinks.
I just want my woman back.
Yeah! That will never happen.