Thursday, July 14, 2005

Moms a crook!

A recent posts on Sassy's blog convinced me that it is time for some good ole-fashioned mom-bashing. The only positive thing I can say about my mother, is that she is rotten to the core. Don't get me wrong. It's a positive thing. I have never met anyone who is more in touch with her dark side than her. From my father I may have inherited such things as the ability to work hard, honor, values and empathy. From my mother I inherited the other, more important stuff. I can lie my ass off without flinching. I have yet to meet the person to drink me under the table. I have no qualms about creative property redistribution if the situation calls for it.

When I was a kid, the whole family used to sit around the dining room table and play cards. Mom always won. Mom always cheated. Thank you mom for teaching me this important life-skill. At cards, I'm unbeatable.

Mommy buys me my cigarettes. She spends at least 6 months a year touring the world. (Yep she's financially independent.) And always brings me back about 10 cartons of cigarettes. Customs only allow two cartons. But who's gonna suspect a 70 year old lady? They did catch her once though. She innocently told the customs officer that she was traveling in a group, and everybody had bought cigarettes. However she had been the only person with room in her bag, so she was carrying them for the others who would be right there. The customs officer made her wait for half an hour. She stood there, waiting for her non-existent traveling companions, smiling and making small-talk, until the guy said: "Okay, I believe you, go on."

Once when I picked her up from the airport after she spent two months in Peru, she showed me a big bag of dried leaves.
Me: "What's that mom?"
Mom: "Coca leaves. I'm going to process them."
Me: "Mom, I don't think you're allowed to do that."
Mom: "I know."

One day I got a phonecall. Mom was hysterical: "You gotta come over here right away. The next door neighbor is threatening to kill me." So I told her to call the police, and leisurely drove up to her house. (I was more worried about the neighbor than about mom.) When I got there, the police was calming down the neighbors. I asked my mom what happened.
Mom: "She got angry cause I'd broken into her apartment."
Me: "Why the hell would you break into her apartment?"
Mom: "Cause she had stolen my mail."
Me: "How do you know?"
Mom: "I dunno. I just suspect she did."

One day I got home and my cat, Mickey wasn't there. I searched frantically for three hours then started calling all my friends in a bout of rising panic. Then I called Mom.
Me: "MICKEY IS MISSING!"
Mom: "No, he's with me."
Me: "WHAT THE FUCK?"
Mom: "I took him cause I have a mouse."
Me: "COULDN'T YOU HAVE ASKED ME? AND HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY KEYS?"
Mom: "I made a copy of them when you were on holiday. Now stop being so nervous. I'll give him back in a couple of weeks. I've got a mouse and he'll have to catch it first."

Last week I left my wallet at my Moms place. She was sweet enough to drop it off the next day. Later that evening I had to call her up once again:
Me: "Mom, there was about 200 euros in my wallet. Now there's only about 5 euros in it."
Mom: "Yeah I know. I was a little short on cash."
Me: "And where the hell is daddies picture?"
Mom: "I threw it away. Why do you carry his picture and not mine? It bugs me. You got at least four pictures of him in your apartment and none of mine."
Me: "Mom, that was the only passport picture I had of him. Give it back."
Mom: "I told you. I threw it away. Be glad I didn't throw away those pictures of your ex-girlfriend. Why do you carry those in there anyway?"

Don't get me wrong. I love my mom. She's a psychiatrically certified Borderline personality. But you gotta love a woman that makes more money than me, reading people's auras.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Internetless

I just spent more than a week without internet. It was horrible. I don't know how I survived. Worst of all, I didn't have to go to work, so all day there was nothing to do but stare at my dysfunctional computer. (Which somehow really reminded me of my sexlife.)

I took up running again.
I cooked for myself.
I cleaned my whole house. (twice)
I quit drinking.
I only ate vegetables.
I started going to a fotography workshop.
I became a vegetarian.
I met new people.
At a certain point I got so pissed and frustrated that I seriously considered converting to islam.
However I converted to Buddhism.
I called up long lost friends.
I changed the cat litter.
I stopped swearing.
I finished seven books.
I quit smoking. (For a whole day.)
I painted most of my woodwork in the house.

Thank God I'm online again. I wouldn't have survived another day of that shit. Praise the Lord, it's bussiness as usual. Pass me another beer.