Saturday, July 30, 2005

MeMe


MeMe's, the bane of the serious blogger. Within a short time-span these eyesores have taken over the blogworld. Many a lesser blogger has had the awful audacity to post hundreds of these literary doodoos. Let me tell you something. If you are too stupid to come up with your own shit to write, you have no business having a blog anyway.

That being said. My friend Cheryl, blogster extraordinair, sent me these questions. I volunteered without knowing what the questions would be, so I have to answer them, aren't I clever. I may also be creepy, but you are allowed to say so. (Yay! My first plagiarism!)

1. Quote "I seem to spend most of my off-time chatting with nerds, pervs and jihadi's" (Jesus Hates Me, Tuesday, March 01, 2005). Please explain what it is about you that attracts these categories and why you do or do not fall into those pigeonholes yourself.

Ouch. I'm the progeny of troubled people. Professionally I work with troubled people. I never seem to date anybody except troubled chick. In short: I was born under a troubled star.
But let's face it, if you had the choice between spending the evening with Martha Stewart or a raving sex-obsessed lunatic like van Gogh, whom would you choose? It's the psychos out there that create art, music and culture, (and great blogs). Jesus was a freakin' madman. Gandhi wasn't shot because of his grand sex-appeal. And Ali Sina is in hiding, fearing for his life because he refuses to be politically correct.
As for me. I'm quite normal. Trust me on that. I'm normal. Yes siree, completely normal.

2. What are your five favorite foods?

You're asking me? When I'm not blogging, wanking, drinking or failing (miserably) to pick up chicks at the grocery store, I cook!

1. Tandoori Chicken (Not the supermarket crap. I mean the real thing. Cooked in a Tandoor.)
2. Masala Dosai (Try finding a good one outside London or India.)
3. Cauliflower cookies (Grate 4 large raw potatoes. Add a large cubed onion. Add a chopped up cauliflower. Some chopped celery leaves, 2 tablespoons of curry powder, 1 tablespoon of slat. Add some water and flower. Knead the whole package until it's more or less sticking together. Then deepfry them as if they were cookies.)
4. Fish and chips. (The soggy kind with vinegar. Wrapped in a newspaper, NOT in anything else.) (YAY Brits!)
5. Bakkeljauw (Soak a pack of dried salted Surinam Bakkeljauw (fish) in water for 12 hours. Remove bones and skin. Fluff the fish. Fry a large diced onion, two diced tomatoes, a sliced red chilly pepper and some black pepper in 6 tablespoons of oil. Add fish and fry some more. Serve with Telo or on bread.)

3. If you weren't related to your mother but had to work with her, what would you say to her?

I keep wondering whether I'm really related to her or not. If she hadn't been my mother though she'd probably have been my patient. So the best and most therapeutic thing I could say to her would be: "Let me refer you to one of my colleagues."

4. How many pets have you had?

I grew up in the country, so there have always been animals around. My fondest memories are of:
a. Rover the dog
b. Rambo the dog (Second and last time I saw my father cry was when Rambo died.)
c. Winnie the cat (Gave her away.)
d. Winnie the cow (We ate her)
e. Mickey the cat (Sort of my favorite person in the world.)

5. What is your favorite dream/daydream?

Cheryl, please. This is a decent blog. For decent people. We don't want none of that pornographic stuff on here.

So I guess I'm supposed to pass this anti-literary virus on to someone. (I did my share of passing on virii in the past. But that's another story.) So anybody that writes a comment on this post, puts it in rhyme and is able to creatively use two of the following words: "interview", "underwear", "penis enlargement" or "beer", will receive 5 original questions that will have to be answered on their blogs.

afterthought: Im never going to do this shit again!

Friday, July 29, 2005

On being a prophet


As some of you might know, I'm an ardent believer in reincarnation. When Guru Jaghjit explained that most of my problems were related to problematic encounters in my past life, I was sold. I have been in reincarnation group therapy now for the last few years. With the help of hypnosis, rebirthing and a large variety of adult toys, I have been able to determine that in my last life, I was.....

An Arab.

In itself, the inherent problem of having been an Arab is not insurmountable. However I will try to shed some light on my current predicament, by sharing with you one of my recovered memories.

The year is 700 AD. It had been a hot day. As I was wont to do, I escaped the noisy crowds of Mocca-city, by retiring to my mountain cave, to meditate, smoke crack and play with my unmentionables. (Even in that life, I had a hard time finding a woman to do that for me.)
Just as I was about to roll my second joint, the cave was flooded with a bright light and a booming voice said: "I am the angel Gabriel. I have come unto you to give you a new religion.."
Trying to shield my eyes from the light I angrily shouted: "Sod off and get yar own cave motherfucker."
With just the slightest hint of irritation the voice boomed at me: "You have been chosen as the last prophet of Baall-ah. You will receive a book and spread it amongst your people. For this you will receive 72 virgins in heaven. There will be bright eyed young boys to fulfill your every wish and there will be streams of wine."
It took me a while to grasp the gravity of the situation, but after a moment I managed to regain my composure: "So, what you're proposing is this: You give me some kind of book that I have to go door to door with like a fucking Jehova's Witness, and in return I get to have sex?"
"That is correct!", the voice said, at a level of decibels that would make your standard streetrave boombox get penis-envy.
It took my all of three milliseconds to decide: "Sounds good!"
My head suddenly felt clear, the dope-induced mist parted: "Okay. Dim the light, stop screaming, and let's work out the details."
The bright light receded further back into the cave and I was left facing a little balding midget dressed in a white gown.
"You don't really look that impressive for an arch-angel", I said.
"Yeah I know. I get that a lot.", the midget replied in an irritating squeaky voice, "I used to be an accountant before I got into this archangel thing." The midget produced a book from one of his bodily recesses covered by his gown.
"Wait!", I said, "what was that about bright-eyed young boys? I'm not really into that you know."
The midget eyed me with a quizzical expression: "My information is wrong then."
"Yeah! And what's that shit about rivers of wine? I drink beer."
"I think that could be arranged.", the midget said and started punching a number on his mobile phone.
"And what's with the 72 virgins? I did all that shit during puberty."
"What do you mean?", the midget asked looking at me in abject horror.
"Virgins! I ain't no pervert you know. I'm a grown man. What the fuck am I going to talk to 72 virgins about? Their evening in the disco? Give me one woman. A good one. Nice set of tits. Voluptuous body. Decent brain, sense of humor, a smile that makes my heart jump. You know...... the works. And make her a little assertive. I like that in a woman."
The midget was now looking at me with his mouth wide open. The mobile phone slipped from his hands and fell on the floor. All color had disappeared from his face and I was afraid he was about to faint.
"Ass.... ass..... assertive woman?", he stammered? The concept seemed to alien for him to understand.
"Yeah! And I want a career woman! Not some sit-at-home smoke pot and drink sherry bitch."
The midget grasped his head with one hand, held out his other hand in a gesture for me to be silent: "Wait.... basics.... basics.... are you .... Mo the goatherd?"
"Mo the goatfucker? No he's in the next cave with his favorite goat. I'm ......"
The midget was gone. The bright light was gone. My ears rang with the sound of permanent hearing impairment. Had it all been a dream? Had it been my crazy imagination? I never found out.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

On improving my lovelife


I'm a nice guy. I'm handsome, intelligent, well-educated and well-mannered. Still, I couldn't get laid if I shaved my ass and stuck a lollipop in it.
It's not that I don't know how to handle women or how to talk to them. I know that full well. But it just always seems to come out wrong.

Example: I'm sitting on my couch with a girl who could have been my daughter. There are candles burning, Diana Krall is crying us a river in the background, I served her a classy meal, and she's well on her way of getting drunk. She's babbling away about her shitty little problems that nobody will listen to unless she sleeps with them. Suddenly there is a silence and she looks at me with large innocent eyes. I lean in preparing to say something that will make her blush and stutter; She smiles expectantly and I say: "It's not gonna suck itself bitch."

First of all she did blush and she did stutter. Second, that's entirely not what I meant to say! And what was her problem anyway? It wasn't as if the evening wasn't heading for that anyway. Women just have no idea how difficult it is to be a guy. You can't just say what you feel or think. You have to carefully word it and then spout some Hollywood cliche.
In my ever ongoing quest to improve my lovelife, I have made a little list of often-used phrases and the things I mean when I say them. I plan to hand it over to any woman I date. If this works, I might just be getting some soon.

"After I do you, I'm gonna do your sister too."
"I love you so much, I want to meet your whole family."

"Geeez look at the size of your melons."
"Hi, I'm Bulb. What's your name?"

"Still here?"
"I had a wonderful time last night. Hope I can see you again soon."

"Listen. You're body is incredibly fuckable, but you're just too stupid for words."
"You know, I've always thought that the sign of a good relationship is communicating without using words."

"You so ugly, I wouldn't fuck you if you put a bag over your head."
"Strange isn't it? My attraction to you is entirely spiritual. It is as if we have a mystic bond."

"What the fuck do you mean: I'm not that kind of girl."
"You just make me respect you more and more and more."

"You swallow?"
"I just want to know everything there is to know about you. You are so mysterious."

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

How to increase your blog traffic


It seems bloggers for the most part are spending more time increasing their blog traffic, then on writing quality articles. It's a bitch when you spend so much time crafting a witty post, and nobody reads it. Completely frustrated at my lack of readers, I set off on a quest to uncover the secrets of the holy statcounter. This resulted in five holy laws that must be followed by every blogger, which will result in their blog traffic exploding exponentially. (Promise!)

1. Write crap!
I don't mean "write stuff"; I don't mean "write often". I mean write utter crap. Write the kind of crap that you know nobody wants to read. It works! For instance I plucked this little gem of a random blog:
"I was like riding my bike this Sunday, and there was this like really cool chick. And I rided into her and we laughed and laughed and laughed. So like, I think I have a girlfriend now."
14 Comments, and a statcounter over 25000. The motherfucker who wrote this got 14 comments!!!
Take a look around. Bloggers that write utter crap get visitors. I have a little theory about it. Remember that TV show "Big Brother". (It was the Netherlands main export product for a couple of years.) 20 Motherfuckers sitting around doing shit! Talking about crap and generally boring the audience to tears. It was the most successful show in television history.

2. Be a babe
Research has shown that nearly 50% of all people are male. Consequently nearly 50% of all bloggers must be male. And what does the male of the species like to see? Right! Babes. When you post a comment on blogger, your picture is often put beside it. Now, let's do a little test. Below are three pictures of random bloggers who all commented on the same post. I, being a guy and all, am going to click on at least one of those pictures to visit the blog in question. Guess which motherfucker is going to loose out?







Two of these babes write poetry and put pictures of sunsets on their blog. Knowing that, which of these three are you not going to click on guys? I rest my case.

3. Write more crap
It's not enough that you write utter crap. You have to write it in bulk. No matter if you have nothing to write. The more literary vomit covers your blog, the more people will want to read it.

4. Suck up!
I know from personal experience that licking boots and kissing ass can get you pretty far in life. And vice-versa, people who kiss my ass, tend to get my attention. So what you are going to do is this. You pick out a blog that gets thousands of visitors a day. Pick out one of the articles, don't bother reading it, (considering the visitor count it's probably crap anyway), and post the following comment:
"Oh my Gaaaaawd you are soooooo funny. You are the funniest!! You are soooooo ..... you know.... I'd sleep with you!"
Put a link to the site on your blog, and start coming back everyday repeating the same message, but alter it slightly. After a while, the punk with the successful blog will feel obliged to link back to your blog. More links, more visitors. Mission accomplished.
(Hell! It worked for me! Look at my linklist.)

5. Cheat!
Anybody who has been blogging for a while knows that most bloggers are generally too stupid to wipe their own ass. There's a legion of blogreaders out there that on stumbling on a new blog, first check out the visitor counter. Based on that number, they will either be impressed and mutter: "Dayum this blog is good." or with the greatest amount of exertion their minds will try to connect the dots between "Nobody reads this." and "unread blogs are crap."
Most visitor counters have the option of editing the number of visitors. Use it! Boost those stats and watch the braindead morons coming in.

In closing:
Tom Cruise is nuts.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Lesbian Cyber Sex

Okay, I promised I wouldn't post chat transcripts anymore. But this one was too good to pass up.

biker_chick90_210 (23:50:10): Are you a woman?
cojones2006 (23:50:47): depends
biker_chick90_210 (23:51:16): o im not gay or anything i only need to ask a question that deals with the 5th harry potter movie they r soon gonna make
cojones2006 (23:51:33): ok.
cojones2006 (23:51:44): but you sure sound gay though
biker_chick90_210 (23:51:52): i swear im not
cojones2006 (23:52:03): hell...... I have a sense for these things.
biker_chick90_210 (23:52:08): i dont believe in gayness but its their choice if they wanna be
cojones2006 (23:52:22): see...... noone would say such a thing unless they were gay
biker_chick90_210 (23:52:30): im not
biker_chick90_210 (23:52:58): but will u answer my questions
cojones2006 (23:53:06): Listen.......... whom are you kidding...... it's not like I'm gonna tell your parents
cojones2006 (23:53:15): yes sure I'll answer it.
biker_chick90_210 (23:53:19): ok
biker_chick90_210 (23:53:29): u know about harry potter
cojones2006 (23:53:30): Just as soon as you get out of the closet.
cojones2006 (23:53:36): Yeah I do
biker_chick90_210 (23:53:38): im not gay
cojones2006 (23:53:42): sure
biker_chick90_210 (23:53:52): my religion is strong on people not to be gay so stop with that
biker_chick90_210 (23:54:06): anyways
cojones2006 (23:54:16): hell...... religion always makes people repress their true sexual nature
biker_chick90_210 (23:54:20): do u know about luna lovegood?
cojones2006 (23:54:22): Stop fighting it
cojones2006 (23:54:42): OMG........ you say you're not gay..... but you're looking for a luna lovegood?
cojones2006 (23:54:48): I'm getting pretty confused here.
biker_chick90_210 (23:54:59): im not gay
cojones2006 (23:55:08): that's what you said.
biker_chick90_210 (23:55:15): but im watning to know if the movie directors and casting people have found a luna lovegood
biker_chick90_210 (23:55:34): im wanting to audition fo her role
cojones2006 (23:55:44): hell....... do you even know what a "luna lovegood" is in the gay scene? or are you just playing me?
biker_chick90_210 (23:57:02): im gonna ignore the fact that u may think im gay<> but all im worried about is the luna lovegood who is a girl and who is not gay....but u can call me anything but im still gonna ignore it so all i want to know is the audition date, time, and place for her role
cojones2006 (23:57:24): Listen...... I'm getting more confused by the minute........
cojones2006 (23:57:32): Everything you say sounds like a gay come on..........
cojones2006 (23:57:36): yet you swear you're not gay?
biker_chick90_210 (23:57:49): think what you want but just answer these questions
biker_chick90_210 (23:58:06): dont worry aobut anything else we have said
biker_chick90_210 (23:58:15): just worry about these question
cojones2006 (23:58:28): Listen........ a Luna LoveGood...... is a girl who's gay and still in the closet....... so when you ask me about it....... what the hell am I supposed to think?
cojones2006 (23:58:39): And audition ........ means........ a first lesbian experience...........
cojones2006 (23:58:46): yet you keep swearing you're not gay.
biker_chick90_210 (23:59:11): shes not gay just answer these questions they are really important to me seriously important
cojones2006 (23:59:17): You got nudy pics?
biker_chick90_210 (23:59:20): no
cojones2006 (23:59:35): Woman what the hell do you want from me?
cojones2006 (23:59:41): You're coming on to me like anything...........
cojones2006 (23:59:47): and keeping me at bay at the same time
biker_chick90_210 (23:59:50): where is the luna lovegood auditions and what time? and whats the date
cojones2006 (0:00:11): MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!! You want a date??????????
biker_chick90_210 (0:00:24): no
biker_chick90_210 (0:00:27): forget this
cojones2006 (0:00:28): NO???????
cojones2006 (0:00:31): forget what?????
biker_chick90_210 (0:00:32): no
cojones2006 (0:00:40): I never had a woman come on this strong before.
cojones2006 (0:00:54): hell..... I might be interested........ but don't be so completely vague.
cojones2006 (0:01:34): hey........ we could be lovers if you like?
cojones2006 (0:01:56): Honey?
cojones2006 (0:02:30): I love you!