Wednesday, December 14, 2005

The joy of Emasculation

Main Entry: emas·cu·late
Pronunciation: i-'mas-ky&-"lAt
Function: transitive verb
Inflected Form(s): -lat·ed; -lat·ing
Etymology: Latin emasculatus, past participle of emasculare, from e- + masculus male -- more at MALE
1 : to deprive of strength, vigor, or spirit : WEAKEN
2 : to deprive of virility or procreative power : CASTRATE
3 : to remove the androecium of (a flower) in the process of artificial cross-pollination
4 : to screw with the Bulbs head by asking him to list ten guys he'd sleep with : FUCK YOU

Imagine waking up next to a beautiful young lady. Through a haze of alcohol, the only thing you can remember is her sighing: "Thank you!", just before collapsing from sheer exhaustion. You open your eyes, she opens her mouth and the usual stream of feminine morning-after bullshit comes out. However this time it's different.
Shocked you jump upright in bed covering your ultimate electric organ with both hands: "Did you just ask me to name ten guys I would sleep with?"
She smiles at you with coquettishly played surprise: "Yes, so? Or not, that is if your masculinity is in jeopardy."
WAKE UP! RUN! This is the sign of the coming apocalypse. This bitch is after your BALLS!

A couple of bloggers of the feminine variety, have been confronting me with the dark repressed side of their sexuality by asking me to write about the guys I'd sleep with. Penis envy sucks! I can only imagine the frustration of those who were unfortunate enough to be born without the giant photon cannon. The utter despair about having to sit down when you take a leak. Looking in the mirror and instead of a flaccid weapon of mass destruction smiling back at you, the only thing you can see is a small patch of burnt grass. Leaking gallons of blood every month.

Yes ladies, eat your fucking heart out. You want it, I got it. The Torpedo of Doom, The Bald Avenger, the Tintillating Tentacle, The Pendulum of Pain. The Sugar coated trouser Snake. The Monolith of Mass Destruction, the Ferocious Flamethrower, The Faucet of Fun, The Key to Paradise, Marathon Man, Captain Caveman, the Javelin of Joy, Minime, The Hungry Hulk, The Yoghurt Machine, El Presidente, Harry and the Hendersons, The Hairy Harbinger of Doom, The Gardenhose of Plenty, The Wand of Wildness, He-Who-must-Be-Obeyed, The Throbbing Nightstick, The One-Eyed Giant, The Satin Sledgehammer, The Impregnator, The Turbomatic Pussycleaner.
It's here. It's mine. And you aint getting any!

On the night of june 23, 1993, Lorena Bobbit cut of her husbands sexual organ as he lay sleeping. She then drove off with the severed appendage and flung it out her car window. Police performed a diligent search and located it, and it was then surgically reattached, in a 9 1/2 hour operation. In 1994, a jury found this elegant lady innocent, by reason of insanity, of de-putzing her estranged husband John.
I'm sorry ladies, that shit aint gonna happen to me. I sleep on my stomach, family jewels in hand and I've got a trained attack cat that's very protective of my toys.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Unpublished Articles

As some of you might have noticed, I didn't post for quite some time. I told everybody that I didn't have the time. I lied. Actually I wrote a lot of stuff. I just couldn't publish it for various reasons. Below a short selection of articles I didn't publish with reasons for not publishing.

-Whats this burning sensation? - After seeing my doctor I decided that publishing this might harm my (already nonexistant) sexlife.
-Fat bitch in heat - My feelings for this young lady might have been misconstrued.
-Who's your daddy now, bitch? - It seems even police officers read blogs. Might have gotten me into trouble.
- Size does matter - Too personal. Was a tiny article anyway.
- Fun with bodily fluids - Let's just say i was drunk when I wrote this.
- Ten guys I'd sleep with - ewwwwww
- The Bulbousgrowth Purple Raspberry Awards - I realised not many people would be inclined to send in pictures of their haemmorroids, in order to recieve this award.
- Dripping wet pussy - last time I shower with my cat!
- In Defence of Midget Porn - Too personal.
- Naughty thoughts about my coworkers - They read my blog.
- Stuff I found in my belly button - Although quite interesting, this article was rather short.
- Where did this green stuff come from? - Believe me you dont want to know.'
- The liberals were right all along! - Last time I smoke pot. Promise!

I might be persuaded to move one of the articles from my draft-bin to my blog if there is some demand for it. (But dont count on it.)