Sunday, January 22, 2006

Sassy(, Jessy) and Bulb. The Story.

A couple of years ago, I returned home from a party. (Utterly Drunk!) Since it was "one of those" parties, I came home pretty frustrated. (And alone.)
Not wanting to waste a precious build-up of adrenaline, I decided to pay a visit to a chatroom and yell at the third world losers who can't do anything better with our foreign aid than buy computers and sit in Internet cafes all day. (Can't blame them. It's too bloody hot in most Arab countries to do anything else.)
There was a cute couple in the room, (Jinxy and TheDwarf), who seemed to be fighting, so I decided to make a pass at the wife. (With a definite measure of succes I might add.) I had a wonderful evening. Not only did I get to woo the wife, I also got to insult her husband and he was too nice, or too short, (later I got to know he just couldn't care less), to do anything about it.
I returned the next day, and made a couple of friends. Most notably T (I'm still secretly in love with her), Coyote and Slayer. I got into fights, I got to woo chicks online, I was part of intrigues and gossip and then one day Sassy entered, and the whole room changed.
Sassy was cool. It seemed like the whole room was all about Sassy. Men were falling over themselves just to get noticed by Sassy. When Sassy walked in the room, something changed. The air became vibrant and charged. (With a sick kind of cybersexuality.)
Now normally this would entice me to either fuck and dump somebody or pick a fight with her. Let's face it. It was my room and it should have been about ME! But Sassy apart from being "cute" was also "nice" (pass the bucket I think I'm going to puke.)
And I liked her.
Sassy had an online boyfriend. Which was okay with me, since I liked her I didn't intend to screw her anyway. However the boyfriend guy was the king of Gay. Besides, my best friend "Coyote" hated his guts. (That's before I found out that "Coyote" was a paranoid Schizophrenic and the "King of Gay" had a sense of humor.)
In hindsight, I don't like either of them. (I still like Coyote though.) (Who's schizo now eh?)
I remember PsychoTurk, my ex girlfriend coming in the room one day, and finally meeting Sassy. The first thing she yelled at her was: "What the fuck do you want with my man? Get your own boyfriend bitch!" (Now why the hell could I ever let a woman like that go? I'm an idiot.) Of course PsychoTurk never realised that it wasn't Sassy, who was her main competitor. (ooooh yeah!)
Anyway.... back to the main story. Sassy and I got to be friends, and later Jessy, Pearl, Pearls sister (who stole Sassy's online boyfriend away) and Evil Krissy (ooooh yeah!) started visiting the room.
I didn't like Jessy much. She was new. Coyote, T and I had this test. Whenever somebody started visiting the room more then once they were "new" and we started hating them, insulting them and generally being unpleasant. (Believe you me, I can be pretty unpleasant.)
But then one day Jessie casually mentioned that she had really big tits, so what's a guy to do. I instantly took a liking to her.
Meanwhile I got hooked on chatting. Whenever I visited the room and nobody was there, I just went into the "islam #1" room and pretended I was a preteen girl from California. (I saved all those conversations.)

Still with me? For those with a short attention span here's the breakdown of what I wrote so far:

Sassy: cool
Coyote: Schizophrenic nice guy
Geech: I don't think I mentioned him yet.
T: I got a secret crush on her, but she's too goddamn thin.
Slayer: She thinks Lord of the Rings is real. (Hell. She might be right.)
Jessy: Really big tits.
Evil Krissy: ooooooooh yeah!
Lissa: Dyke who's really into Sassy.

Back to the main storyline:
One day Jinxy told me she wanted to start blogging. By this time I had built up a shitload of saved conversations between me (preteen california girl) and muslims from "islam #1" room and was dying to publish them, so I asked Jinxy to set me up with a blog. And she did.
And so I started blogging.
After a while Sassy, Jinxy, Pearl, Evil Krissy (oooh yeah!), Coyote, Jinxy, Pinky (did I mention her?), Jessy and Pearls sister, all started blogging. Nobody visited the chatroom anymore. We were too busy blogging. Whenever I visit the room now. Nobody is there. I just keep getting assailed by guys asking: "Want to chat to horny Arab gay?" (In various islamic ways.)

That's sort of the end of the chatroom story. I left out the part were I was cyberstalked by Horny Grandma. The part were I first visited le Chameau (laughed my ass off) Cheryl (a link to her blog might give my blog some class) and Laila (Got to admit. It wasn't her writing that first attracted me to her blog.) And Lori's sexual obsession with my blog.


Blogger Cheryl said...

Fuck this, seriously pissed off now.
Everybody else is horny, big breasted, has you crawling on the floor with your tongue dragging on the carpet and yet you link to me for some class?
Whats that I am then, a bloody antidote?
Off to do press ups until I can hold my own weight in a pole dance; design my own range of rubberwear that makes Madonna's old pyramid tits look like kindergarten stuff, and generally revamp the image before you describe me as the nicest granny ever to wear an acrylic cardigan and sensible flatties.


Muahahaha - bloody got ya, didn't I ;-)

7:58 PM  
Blogger bulb said...

Damn that made me laugh!!!!!

(Might fantasise about Cheryl just to make her feel better about herself.)

8:34 PM  
Anonymous Laila said...

Since I don't write in my native language, no wonder you were not attracted by my words...

Maybe you should make this post your first one - like a presentation letter, or maybe something like "this is how my blog came along"!

9:13 PM  
Blogger Le chameau insatiable said...

Man, that looks like a summary of some soap opera with 3000 characters, all having weird names.

Oh and by the way, thanks for the advertising. I noticed you mentioned my blog a few times recently. I'm such an arrogant elitist blogger anyway, that I don't find it offending noone reads it.

Entry #2 for the saddest sickest most twisted and disturbing story is on. Ok, if I don't win first prize, can I get a complimentary "chameau blog award" (nobody else could get that one, right?)?

10:11 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

my sides hurt I'm laughing so hard. and cheryl's response didn't help!

you're a trip!

11:36 PM  
Blogger Rain said...

fascinating! kkkkkkk! at Cheryl's response! I never spent more than a few seconds in chat room. Maybe I should try it again!

12:07 AM  
Blogger Ms Burden said...

Oh! It is so much fun, Rain!!! kkkkk

12:20 AM  
Blogger Rosie (formerly known as Rox) said...

Doesn't everyone love Sassy?

1:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

nice to see you are the typical man who see's my chest before my eyes..but would I want you any other way? I'm strangely attracted to you Bulb...why is this?

6:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, and I don't remember you being mean to me dammit! You wanted me from the moment you came in and met me, BEFORE the boob perk!! Something about Cheeseburgers or something..hehe

7:30 PM  
Blogger bulb said...

Jess it's simple, you're a woman, I'm a man. Plenty of women to go around... one or two men in the world.........
And what's that cheesburger crap?

3:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Figures you don't remember..pffft. Something about cheeseburgers traded for sex...

5:20 PM  
Blogger fineartist said...

Here it is almost ten and I have work in the morning, thought I would check on Sassy, and then I thought, hmmm wonder what that cad, I mean charming, bulb is up to?…Real quick, I’ll just click in for a second…got to get my rest…wont stay long, don’t have time to comment,

and then I find THIS.

This declaration of yours that I have some sort of sexual obsession with your blog. Hah, well, at least you didn’t say shlong. I am probably feeding the monster now as I type. I am sure I will live to regret this comment.


Butt hole. Love ya, mean it, Lori

4:51 AM  
Blogger Sassy said...

I remember the day i met you in the room. Man, you made me laugh. And I thought..who is this weirdo?! Then I found out that weirdo was one of the best people I would ever meet, and I love him dearly.

Bulb, thanks for being my friend. Xxx

9:29 PM  

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