Monday, March 13, 2006

In defence of depression

Nothing feels as good as a good old-fashioned depression. I cannot even begin to sing the glories of that rarified spiritual state called depression. Now there are some garden-variety amateur psychologists out there who will say: `But Bulb, depression is a bad thing.´ To those idiots I say: ´Go thee yonder for thou hast not understood the depths of the joy of suffering.´
Most people don´t have a clue how to be properly depressed. They go through life as if everyday is fucking Christmas! Idiots! These are the people that hum sungs while doing the dishes. The kind of people that seem to smile for no reason at all. These people wake up in the morning and jump out of bed, ready for new adventures. Well, I say: ´Kill em all!´
There seems to be a common misconception that in order to get depressed, you need to have some kind of trauma. A fucked-up childhood or an abusive spouse. I want none of that! Depression is an equal-opportunity affair. Yes! Do not despair, even you (fucked-up christmas carrol hummer that you are.)can get depressed. In fact, the happier and healthier your life has been thus far, the deeper and more painful your depression will be. Despair ye not! Or in this case ´Despair ye and enjoy it.´
In order to enjoy your depression to the fullest, you got to learn to walk the walk and talk the talk. You have to dress a certain way, and if you really go for it, smell a certain way. When you walk, take small steps, try to hunch your back a little bit. When you talk, don´t look people in the eye. Don´t use more then two words and never ever answer a sentence with anything except murmered ´yes´ or a whispered ´Hell no!´.
´Did you enjoy the five course meal I spend three days preparing?´ .... ´Hell No!´
´What is your name?´ .... ´yes´
´Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?´ ... ´Hell NO!
Be passive-agressive! People expect it. You got an appointment at four? Show up the next day at five! In the middle of an important meeting with a potential client? Have a panic attack! That´ll show those bastards.
Don´t ever shower! Wear the smell of cold sweat like a badge of honor! Advanced students of this great art, like me, might add some variety, like a touch of stale beer. Flatulence is advised, but only if you have a great theory to connect it to your current state of mind. (´I can´t find the energy to cook anymore, so nowadays the only thing I eat are cold beans.´)
Sleep! Sleep! Sleep! And watch TV. Did you ever notice that the really great movies on television are at night? Here´s your chance to watch them all. Sleep days. Watch TV at night. Don´t feel guilty about it, you´re depressed remember?
Refuse to take responsibillity for your life! (That´s one of the greatest benefits.)The following list is a big no-no! Smiling, meeting new people, career opportunities, going to parties, sex, picking flowers, playing hopschotch in the park.
Play ´If only..... yes but!´
´If only I could get a good nights sleep.´
´Well, take a sleeping pill.´
´Yes but they´re addictive.´
´Well, try waking up in the morning at six instead of 4 in the afternoon.´
´Yes but then I wont be able to stay awake during the day.´
´Well ask someone over to keep you awake.´
´Yes but I don´t know anybody who will.´
´Well try sticking a baseball bat up yar ass I´m outta here.´


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, but this all requires effort :p

4:27 PM  
Blogger Coyote Bebop said...

whenever I get depressed, for some FREAKISH reason, I listen to Neil Young, and my depression goes away.

I think it's kind of a "well, he's clearly more fucked than I could ever hope to be" thing.

6:26 PM  
Blogger Sassy said...

Im sick of being depressed, but on the other hand...when I am happy (even for a moment) it feels REALLY good. It's weird especially when a near death experience can make you laugh your ass off. make me fuckin laugh!!!! I love you!

9:04 PM  
Blogger Rain said...

Right!I am tired of fighting off depression, I have just decided to call it my personality.

12:49 AM  
Blogger fineartist said...

f-ed up christmas carol singer that you are.....heeeeeeee, cold beans, heeeeeeeeeeee.

Sounds like the therapist needs a party...

One of my sisters, Becky, was going to be a clinical psychologist when we were in college. The semester before graduation she was required to answer a hot line phone in her home for the entire semester. People who were having emotional problems, people suffering from depression, people who were going to take their own lives, people with drug addictions….called her….at all hours of the day and night for four months…She said she wanted to slap the shit out of about thirty percent of the callers, and the other seventy percent she didn’t know what to say to them. She changed her major.

Man you are funny, enjoyed the post and the next time I am bummed out...I'm going to read it again. Course it I'll probably still rub ashes in my hair....

1:55 AM  
Anonymous Laila said...

I listen to YO LA TENGO when I am down. I have destroyed two of their CD's already because I have listened too much of that crap!

11:27 AM  
Blogger bulb said...

Seems jessy and Rain are the ones who understand.

6:22 AM  
Blogger Le chameau insatiable said...

i can get very depressed for absolutely no reason and the fact that there is no reason for it depresses me even more.

1:13 AM  
Anonymous yeeman said...

I cherish my depressions..They make me extremely productive in writing and getting back to, weird enough, my self.
People who run away from depression, get it on their plates nevertheless.

This entry was good Bulb.

8:25 AM  
Blogger Cloddy said...

I went to web md the other sister and i were talking about sterility tests...but anyway....there was a little thingy you could click on to answer some questions to see if you were at risk for depression....I'm at High Risk...I could have told them that. I didn't need no damn test. I actually think I'm more on the bi-polar side...but anyway.

10:02 PM  
Anonymous Andy said...

Never thought of it that way, bring it on I am more than ready.

1:37 PM  
Blogger Mac said...

Peaks and troughs , what goes up must come down, rough with smooth we could be hear all day, life sucks get a helmet

1:43 PM  
Anonymous nickie said...

i understand the whole liking the suffering thing

but some of this shit is nuts

how could you like feeling the lowest of low. feeling like it doesnt matter if you die today or tomorrow just so long as it happnens.

what the fuck is wrong with you people.

obviously something.

depression fucking sucks. i hate it. i would give anything to be able to tell the truth when i say im happy.


11:31 AM  

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