Thursday, March 16, 2006

For Fineartist

Fineartists last two posts really caught my attention. The loving words of a mother. In one post she sings a song of love for her (extremely attractive) daughter. In the next she grieves for not being able to protect her from the follies of youth. I advise everybody to read them, they're touching.
Now as a man, reading about the woes of such a loved little princess, just makes me mad. It makes me want to put on my shining white armor, jump on my trusted steed Mickey, ride in and save the day. Problem is, I'm not really the knight-in-shining-armor type. I'm more the: "Ya, A'll save ye. But there better be some pussy in it. Either that, or pay me 80 bucks an hour. And even then there better be some pussy in it." And the armor isn't really white. It's more like a yellowish brown with beer stains on it. Come to think of it, my trusted steed, (who bit my nose so bad this morning, there was blood all over my couch), is really sick and drinks and pisses a couple of times his own body weight over the day.
I always wondered about those savior type guys. They put themselves on the line, rescue the princess / mother / virgin, and ride off towards the sunset. Is it an impotence thing?? A guy like that slays a dragon, probably gets his ass kicked in the process and then in some grand self-sacrificing gesture refuses to "take advantage of" the chick whose ass he's just saved. You can see his profile against the setting sun, while he makes his heroic ext. In comes the Bulb stands next to the saved babe.
"Fancy a shag?"
"eh.... yeah sure."

Anyway, I started this post to write some comforting words for fineartist, and all of a sudden it's all about pussy, impotence and beerstains again. I guess what I'm trying to say is: Not all guys are bad. You're one hell of a mother. Shit happens. Your daughter will be fine. Meat only tastes good after it has met the fire of the stove.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Great Men in History

"The leading rule for the lawyer, as for the man of every other calling, is diligence. Leave nothing for to-morrow which can be done to-day."-- Abraham Lincoln From the July 1, 1850

Lincoln. A great man. A wise man. A man that led a struggling nation to the cessation of hostilities. A man that mended that what seemed to be broken beyond repair. A man that freed those who were oppressed. A leader without equal.

But boy, did that guy dress up funny. What's with that crazy hat? And dude, get a shave. I mean come on! He might have been a great president and all that shit, but that doesn't mean you have to dress up like a schizophrenic undertaker on a bad hairday.
Bulbs advice to Lincoln is: MORE COLOR! Why not try going to the opera in a pink tuxedo. Get rid of the hat. Try a baseballcap. Loosen up dude. Try chewing gum and smile once in a while.

"I want freedom for the full expression of my personality." Mahatma Gandhi

Same here. Might have been a great guy and all, but I don't buy into the bedsheet fashion statement.
Bulbs advise to Gandhi: Get rid of the sheet. You'd look great in a Scottish kilt. Finish it of with white shirt, purple tie and nike sneakers. And what's with the jug-ears? I know being bald is great, but with those ears.... no no no! Get a rug!

"Shit, what the fuck are you all doing following me? Now I'll have to call a fish and bread place to feed you all. Dammit, I hate doing that."
-Jesus, to the people following him when he gave out the fish and bread and had some leftover.

Jesus I know you're my buddy and all, and I love you to death, but in this day and age, the hippy look is OUT! Get a goddamn haircut. I'll even pay for it. (You cheap fucker you.) Get rid of the nightgown. Call me up this week, I'll take you shopping for a nice new suit. I envision you wearing.... mmmm..... crewcut, black leather jacket, white shirt and stonewashed jeans.

Monday, March 13, 2006

In defence of depression

Nothing feels as good as a good old-fashioned depression. I cannot even begin to sing the glories of that rarified spiritual state called depression. Now there are some garden-variety amateur psychologists out there who will say: `But Bulb, depression is a bad thing.´ To those idiots I say: ´Go thee yonder for thou hast not understood the depths of the joy of suffering.´
Most people don´t have a clue how to be properly depressed. They go through life as if everyday is fucking Christmas! Idiots! These are the people that hum sungs while doing the dishes. The kind of people that seem to smile for no reason at all. These people wake up in the morning and jump out of bed, ready for new adventures. Well, I say: ´Kill em all!´
There seems to be a common misconception that in order to get depressed, you need to have some kind of trauma. A fucked-up childhood or an abusive spouse. I want none of that! Depression is an equal-opportunity affair. Yes! Do not despair, even you (fucked-up christmas carrol hummer that you are.)can get depressed. In fact, the happier and healthier your life has been thus far, the deeper and more painful your depression will be. Despair ye not! Or in this case ´Despair ye and enjoy it.´
In order to enjoy your depression to the fullest, you got to learn to walk the walk and talk the talk. You have to dress a certain way, and if you really go for it, smell a certain way. When you walk, take small steps, try to hunch your back a little bit. When you talk, don´t look people in the eye. Don´t use more then two words and never ever answer a sentence with anything except murmered ´yes´ or a whispered ´Hell no!´.
´Did you enjoy the five course meal I spend three days preparing?´ .... ´Hell No!´
´What is your name?´ .... ´yes´
´Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?´ ... ´Hell NO!
Be passive-agressive! People expect it. You got an appointment at four? Show up the next day at five! In the middle of an important meeting with a potential client? Have a panic attack! That´ll show those bastards.
Don´t ever shower! Wear the smell of cold sweat like a badge of honor! Advanced students of this great art, like me, might add some variety, like a touch of stale beer. Flatulence is advised, but only if you have a great theory to connect it to your current state of mind. (´I can´t find the energy to cook anymore, so nowadays the only thing I eat are cold beans.´)
Sleep! Sleep! Sleep! And watch TV. Did you ever notice that the really great movies on television are at night? Here´s your chance to watch them all. Sleep days. Watch TV at night. Don´t feel guilty about it, you´re depressed remember?
Refuse to take responsibillity for your life! (That´s one of the greatest benefits.)The following list is a big no-no! Smiling, meeting new people, career opportunities, going to parties, sex, picking flowers, playing hopschotch in the park.
Play ´If only..... yes but!´
´If only I could get a good nights sleep.´
´Well, take a sleeping pill.´
´Yes but they´re addictive.´
´Well, try waking up in the morning at six instead of 4 in the afternoon.´
´Yes but then I wont be able to stay awake during the day.´
´Well ask someone over to keep you awake.´
´Yes but I don´t know anybody who will.´
´Well try sticking a baseball bat up yar ass I´m outta here.´